


this is me trying

by LilacHearted



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Klaus Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, klaus just misses ben
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:41:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26188915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilacHearted/pseuds/LilacHearted
Summary: In hindsight, this might just be the worst plan that Klaus has ever thought of, which is really, really saying something. But without Ben here. . . well if Ben were here, the plan wouldn’t even be needed. And, by this point, Klaus was desperate, and honestly what’s the worst that could happen? He can’t die, or rather does die, just doesn’t stay dead. So even if the plan fails, there should be no harm done.or Klaus misses Ben and makes a bad decision and Five deals with the aftermath
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy & Klaus Hargreeves
Comments: 8
Kudos: 388





	this is me trying

**Author's Note:**

> this takes place after season 2, but in a fixed timeline without the sparrow academy

In hindsight, this might just be the worst plan that Klaus has ever thought of, which is really, _really_ saying something. But without Ben here. . . well if Ben were here, the plan wouldn’t even be needed. And, by this point, Klaus was desperate, and honestly what’s the worst that could happen? He can’t die, or rather does die, just doesn’t stay dead. So even if the plan fails, there should be no harm done.

Klaus just wants a chance to say goodbye to his brother, even if it takes killing himself. Is that so wrong?

It may be a stupid plan, but he doesn’t execute it stupidly. Klaus waited until all his siblings, well all his living siblings are out of the house, which was surprisingly easy. Allison had jetted off to Los Angeles to see her daughter, with Luther in tow. Vanya had resumed giving violin lessons, taking up a good portion of her days. Diego still chose to stay in his boiler room most of the time, not willing to completely move back in to the Academy. The hardest part was waiting for Five to leave, which wasn’t as easy to predict, but eventually he complained about needing a fucking good cup of coffee and disappeared in a blue light.

Klaus knew he had to be quick. It was difficult to know exactly how long Five would be gone, and Klaus wasn’t sure how long it would take for himself to wake up when everything was over.

Sitting on his bedroom floor, he took a few deep breaths. He wasn’t scared of dying, he was only scared that this would all be in vain, that he wouldn’t even see Ben. It was worth the risk, though. Ben was worth the risk. _He always was,_ Klaus thought, as he brought the knife that he had nicked from Diego’s room to his wrist.

He quickly glanced to the door, double checking he had locked it, something he rarely ever did, but he definitely didn’t want one of his siblings stumbling in on this scene.

If only he had remembered about his teleporting brother who had no issues with ignoring personal boundaries. . .

****

Who knew finding a fucking good cup of coffee would be this fucking difficult?

Five was not having a good day. Sure, the apocalypse was once again averted, and his family was safe, and was even reconnecting with one another. But it turns out without an apocalypse to solve, Five didn’t know what to do with himself. 

He chugged the rest of the mediocre coffee before slamming the mug down on the counter. The Academy really needed to invest in a coffee machine. Five was getting tired of having to flash over to Griddy’s every time he wanted a fix. The coffee wasn’t even worth the energy it took to get there, but Five didn’t bother to go anywhere else. He would admit it to no one, but Griddy’s still had a soft spot in his heart. It made him think of his siblings, of when they were all kids.

Five left a ten dollar bill under the mug before heading out the door, blinking over to the Academy the second he was out of the door.

The kitchen was empty, despite Five leaving Klaus there less than twenty minutes ago. He wasn’t surprised, however. Klaus tended to need constant stimulation, something to keep his attention, especially now he was sober. It was better for him to keep his mind and hands busy, Klaus claimed. It distracted from the cravings for cocaine, ecstasy, heroin, weed…whatever drug he was wanting at the moment.

Five thought for a minute. With all this free time on his hands, he was currently working on reading every book in the library, but something told him to go seek out his haunted brother. A person would have to be blind to not see that Ben going into the light had greatly affected Klaus. Five had noticed Klaus’s eyes would still drift around the room occasionally, searching for his lost brother, before remembering that he wouldn’t be there. He would never be there again. 

Five knew that Klaus also dreaded being alone, and he felt like an asshole for leaving his brother for coffee. He should have at least thought about inviting his brother along. But the least he could do now was make sure Klaus wasn’t alone anymore.

At Klaus’s door, Five knocked once, just to give warning, before attempting to open the door. Locked. Klaus never locked his door. Five couldn’t remember a time that Klaus had ever locked his bedroom door. And Five wanted to give his brother the benefit of the doubt, he really did, but who could blame him for his brain immediately jumping to Klaus relapsing. Five pounded on the door with an open hand.

“Klaus, I swear to God, if you are getting high in there, I am going to break your nose!”

Still no answer.

Five listened carefully, turning his head to side. There was no sound coming from inside the room. None that he could hear at least. His heart started racing. Had Klaus overdosed? Had he overdosed by himself while Five was gone?

He didn’t waste any more time before flashing over to the other side of the door. And nothing could have prepared him for what was waiting for him inside the room.

Klaus…

Klaus was lying on the floor, lying in his own blood. So much blood. His brother’s eyes, the same ones that always saw too much, were closed. The culprit of all the blood, a knife, was beside Klaus’s hand, like he had only let go of it when he lost consciousness. _Diego’s knife_ , Five’s brain supplied.

Five fell to his knees, desperately reaching out to his brother. Grasping Klaus’s thin wrist, _Christ, when did Klaus get this thin_ , he felt for a pulse. Five was shaking so hard that he almost dropped his brother’s hand. And…

There was nothing. No pulse.

Five couldn’t breathe. He tried breathing in. He tried breathing out. Neither worked. He could feel the panic rising and rising in his throat. Sure, Five had seen Klaus’s dead body before, in the debris of the Academy, but this was different. This wasn’t just Klaus’s lifeless body. This was his brother, lying dead in a pool of his own blood, because he had _killed_ himself.

Unable to stay on his knees anymore, Five collapsed, his back against the bed, pulling his knees to his chest and clasping his hands together around them. He dug his nails into his hands in a pathetic attempt to control the shaking. He could breathe now, barely, but it was something at least, even if it was in quick, shaky inhales and exhales.

What was he supposed to do?

What was the protocol when your brother killed himself?

How was he supposed to tell his siblings that their brother hated his life so much that he had preferred death?

That he had chosen to become the very same thing that has been haunting him, tormenting him his entire life.

Five was spiraling. His mind was the one thing he had living in the wasteland of the apocalypse, and it was failing him in this moment. He couldn’t focus on one thing, racing from one thought to another, digging himself deeper and deeper into a hole.

Just sitting there, and attempting to calm himself down enough that he could think about the next steps, trying to tame his breath.

Diego. He would call Diego, he decided. Luther and Allison were gone, too far away to be of use right now. Vanya always turned her phone off while teaching lessons. God, how could Klaus survive their childhood, his drug-filled life on the streets, preventing two separate apocalypses, only to decide to—

“Fuck!”

Klaus shot up so quickly and violently that Five would be concerned for that he might have snapped his neck, if Five could have any other thoughts in his head beside Klaus was alive.

Klaus was alive. His brother was alive.

And coughing uncontrollably, one hand patting his chest. His head hanging down like it was too hard, too much work to hold it upright. And, without his permission, without even thinking about it, Five’s body flew itself at Klaus. His arms wrapping tightly around his ( _too skinny_ ) brother. It was the first hug he had given since before the apocalypse.

“Five?” Klaus croaked out, his voice horse, so quiet that Five wouldn’t have heard it if his ear was right next to his mouth.

Just as quickly as the hug began, it was over. Five pulled away from his brother, despite desperately wanting to, needing to continue holding his brother. But they had other issues at hand.

“What the fuck was that?” Five growled. Now that he knew his brother was alive, that he would be okay, the grief Five had been feeling had been replaced in the anger. He needed answers, and he needed them now.

Except he was going to have to wait a little longer it seemed, as Klaus did not answer. He was still struggling to breathe, coughing every so often. His body was slumped forward, like he would fall over at any second. Both of his hands on the floor, struggling to keep himself upright. And so Five took pity on his brother, and he manhandled Klaus’s scrawny body so his brother was lending against the bed.

Blood was everywhere. Klaus was soaked in it from lying in it for god knows how long. And it seeped into the comforter on the bed as Klaus’s back laid against it. Five looked down at his own hands. They were also stained with his brother’s blood. It had gotten under his fingernails, had embedded itself in his nailbeds. And Five knew how hard he would have to scrub to get rid of it.

Five grasped Klaus’s chin with one of his hands and lifted his face upwards. Seeing his brother’s eyes for the first time, he noticed how empty they looked, along with the deep, dark circles underneath. His eyes stared straight forward, like he wasn’t actually seeing anything he was looking at. At least, Klaus seemed able to breathe without issue now, taking steady, deep breaths, while maintaining eye contact.

“Klaus, are you alright? Does it hurt anywhere?”

Five glanced down at his brother’s wrist. They were still caked with drying blood, making it difficult to see how deep the cuts were. Five began to think through what he needed to do. They needed to clean up Klaus’s arms, see the damage, and more than likely suture the cuts. Cleaning up the blood in the room would also need to be done, but that was secondary. Taking care of Klaus was the number one priority.

Speaking of Klaus, he had yet to answer. Five looked back up to his face…and he still looked empty, lost, like he wasn’t quite sure what was going on.

“Klaus, can you say something? Say anything?”

His brother’s eyes finally focused on Five. Tears had welled in them, threatening to spill over. But Klaus still did not speak. He opened his mouth like he was going to but no words came out. Five could see the panic building in Klaus, could see his body beginning to shake, his breathing become shaky once again.

“Okay. That’s fine. You’re fine, okay? Don’t worry.” Five was never good at comforting. It was a skill he had never learned, but for his brother he had to try. Also, Five didn’t know if he would be able to handle it if Klaus had a panic attack. It was better if Five could manage to keep his brother calm, well as calm as possible given the circumstances.

“We need to get your cuts cleaned up. Do you think you could stand if I help you?”

Klaus stared blankly at his brother for several seconds before docilely nodding his head, the movement so slight that Five would have missed it if he was not closely observing his brother.

But it was something, at least.

As Five stood, he considered the best way to go about this. Klaus might be able to stand with assistance, but Five doubted he would be able to make it to the bathroom, even with his help. He would just have to teleport them there. But he would have to leave Klaus alone briefly. Just long enough to flash down to the infirmary to grab supplies to clean the cuts and a suture kit. The thought of leaving Klaus alone, no matter how briefly, left a pit in Five’s stomach. The thought of just taking Klaus to the infirmary instead of the bathroom momentarily popped into Five’s head, but he quickly pushed it aside. Klaus could barely tolerate being in the infirmary on a good day. There was no way that he would be able to handle it in his current condition.

“Okay, can you give me your hands?”

Five stretched his hands outward towards his brother, stopping short of grabbing him. Klaus, with shaky hands, began to reach for his (little) brother, only hesitating temporarily, before grasping Five’s hands. Five carefully pulled Klaus to his feet, quickly wrapping an arm around his waist to help steady him.

“I’m just going to take us to the bathroom. Hold on tight, okay?” Five waited until Klaus nodded his head, before the two of them disappeared in a blue light, only to reappear in the bathroom.

Five set Klaus down gently on the closed toilet seat, making sure he was able to sit up on his own before letting go of him.

And now the part Five had been dreading. Leaving Klaus alone.

It was only for a minute, Five reminded himself, if it even took him that long. Klaus would be fine on his own, but then again that’s what Five thought when he had left to go get coffee. And look at how well that turned out. However, there was no other option.

Except it seemed the universe finally decided to allow Five a win.

“Klaus? Five? Where are you guys?”

Diego. Diego was home, thank god. Now one of them would be able to stay with Klaus while the other went to the infirmary. Five was never so glad to hear Diego’s voice.

Except it seemed Klaus did not share his relief.

He gripped onto Five’s hand, grabbing his attention. Five looked at his brother. His eyes were desperately staring into Five’s. The tears he had yet to spill were still there, ready to fall at any moment.

“Please…please don’t tell him,” Klaus pleaded, speaking his first words since Five had found him. His voice was soft, and scared, and cracked as he struggled to get the plea out of his lips.

And Five’s already broken heart broke even further.

“Klaus, you know that isn’t an option. He’s going to find out one way or another.”

Klaus’s face fell. He closed his eyes tightly, the tears finally rolling down his cheeks.

“Hello? Are you guys here?” Diego’s voice rang out again, this time just down the hall.

Five whispered an apology to Klaus before calling out to his vigilante brother.

“We’re over here!”

While waiting for Diego to come to them, Five began to work on cleaning the cuts that littered his brother’s arm. He gently grabbed Klaus’s forearm and pulled his wrist closer to himself. As carefully as he could, he started to wipe the blood away with a wet washcloth.

“What are you guys doing in he—”

The question died on Diego’s lips as he walked through the doorway. Five glanced over and saw how wide Diego’s eyes had become, staring at the scene before him. But Five didn’t have time to explain.

“Diego, go to the infirmary and get some disinfectant and a suture kit.”

Five and Diego held eye contact for a moment, both trying to say something without speaking.

They both failed.

“Y-yeah, I’ll be right back.”

And then it was just Klaus and Five again.

Five was almost done cleaning the blood away, and he was finally able to inspect the cuts closer. There was only one on each arm, but each was deep and run about half way down to the elbow. Both would require stitches.

“It’s not what you think.” Klaus’s voice was still quiet, but this time he sounded less scared.

“So you didn’t just try to kill yourself by slitting your own wrists?”

“It’s not that simple.”

Usually Klaus wouldn’t shut up, but now, when Five needed answers, he was only providing vague explanations. Sounds like the typical Hargreeves family way.

“I’m going to need a lot more information than that, Klaus. What were you trying to do then?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

“Try me.”

Silence. Five looked up at his brother’s face. He was resting his head against the wall, his eyes closed.

“Start off by explaining exactly how it is that you woke up. You were dead. You didn’t have a pulse. I checked.”

Klaus opened his eyes, and looked at Five. And kept looking at him, like he was searching for something.

“Well, dear brother, it turns out that I can’t die.”

“What do you mean you can’t die?”

“Actually, it’s not that I can’t die. It’s more that I don’t stay dead. Turns out God doesn’t like me much.”

“What do you mean God doesn’t like you?” The question didn’t come from Five, but rather Diego, who had finally returned. He handed the supplies off to Five, before leaning against the wall with arms crossed his chest. Neither of brothers moving their eyes off Klaus, even during the exchange.

“She’s a bitch. She says I don’t belong there. Not yet at least.”

Five sprayed the disinfectant over the cuts without warning. Klaus hissed at the string, but otherwise said nothing.

“Did you already know that? When you did this?” Five asked, preparing the needle and thread for the stitches.

Klaus simply nodded.

“How? How did you know that? Have you d-died before?” Diego asked, his stutter slipping out. Five could heard the hurt in his voice. All the siblings knew that Diego and Klaus had a different bond, and Five couldn’t imagine that Diego would take learning this new information well. That Klaus had kept this from them. Five wasn’t very happy about it himself.

Klaus just nodded once again, staring down at Five’s hands as they carefully worked on suturing the cut on his arm.

“When did you die and decide not to tell us? Tell your family?” Five asked, sharply.

“It was a few days before the apocalypse, the first one. I hit my head on some dancefloor.”

“Why were you at a club when the world was about to end?”

“Don’t blame me. I followed Luther there. He didn’t take the news about Dad sending him to the moon for no reason very well. I thought someone should keep an eye on him.”

Five and Diego looked at each other. Luther had been there when Klaus had apparently died and didn’t mention it to anyone. Five took a deep breath before looking back to Klaus.

“Luther was there? When you died? Why didn’t he tell us?”

“He didn’t notice. I think he was as high as a mountain at the time.” Klaus smiled slightly, as if that was somehow a good memory to him.

“I’m going to fucking kill him,” Diego mumbled under breath, pushing himself off the wall and walking over closer to his brothers.

“Not if I do it first,” Five responded, finishing up the stitches on the first cut and moving over the other arm.

“Guys, don’t blame him. It’s not his fau—”

“If you knew you don’t stay dead, then what the fuck was all this for?” Five didn’t have the patience or temper to listen to whatever excuses Klaus was going to make for Luther. And now that Klaus claimed that he couldn’t die, Five needed to know what drove Klaus to slit his wrists.

“When I first died, I went to this place. The afterlife, I guess. That’s when I spoke with daddy dearest.”

“That’s how you talked to Dad? I thought you said you summoned him.”

“I never said I summoned him. I just said I had spoken with him.”

“So what? You killed yourself to talk to Dad again?”

“Oh, god no. I would never.”

Five waited for Klaus to continue, but he didn’t. He was about to ask again, but Diego beat him to the punch.

“So why did you do it?”

“Come on, I would have thought you two would be able to put the pieces together by now. Five, you’re suppose to be the smart one in the family,” Klaus chuckled out, devoid of any actual humor. And once again not answering the question being asked.

“Klaus, cut the bullshit and answer the question,” Five snapped, pulling tighter than necessary on the needle. He did feel guilty when his brother winced.

“I thought that… I was hoping…Ben might be there.”

And if Five didn’t feel like an idiot for not figuring that out quicker. Of course, Klaus wanted to see Ben. Of course, Klaus would do anything to see Ben one more time.

“He wasn’t there, was he?”

Klaus shook his head.

The silence that followed was not unexpected. The loss of Ben still fresh in all their minds. Five finished the last stitch.

“I’m sorry, Klaus.”

“I’m sorry, too. I didn’t mean to scare you guys. I just…I had to try, you know?”

“Well, don’t try again, okay? We need you here, bro,” Diego said, placing his hand on Klaus’s shoulder, despite the blood that still remained there.

“Don’t worry. I think you guys are stuck with me for now.” Klaus grinned up at Diego, but the grin didn’t quite reach his eyes.

And Five didn’t like the ‘for now’ bit. And he didn’t like that Klaus’s mind still seemed to be somewhere else. But at least, he was here. At least, his brother was still alive.

And Klaus wasn’t going to be out of anyone’s sight for the foreseeable future, whether he liked it or not. Five would make sure of that.


End file.
